To Flinch or not to flinch?

We all have feelings of regret. I don’t think there are many people in life that can truly say that their life has been easy. That’s what it’s like isn’t it. Growing up, and living. The pain that we feel during life. The fond memories and the bad ones. To move past what has happened and become something more. That’s what I’d like to do.

So many years of ingrained fear. To cower when you would punch the wall. To cry when you would push me and I would fall. To constantly beg for your love and receive your wraith and hatred of the world instead. Maybe the reason I haven’t moved on is because I still fear you. That you will find me and ruin the wonderful life that I have built. I don’t think for a second that you would give a second thought if you found me. You would try to take everything that I hold dear and crush it. Is that why I still cringe? Is that why I flinch when I hear a loud noise?

That’s when I think to myself, I must be prepared. That is the reason I chose to do wing chun. So that one day, I won’t be afraid anymore. You will have no power over me. I know that one day I will move past this. The reactions that I still have will one day go away. When I really realize that I am worth it. When I stop hating myself for those years I wasted with you. One day, nothing will stand in my way. I will finally be able to say that I do not fear Michael Sobozinsky. That I won’t see or hear  you every time I see or hear another man. That when I train and someone goes to hit me, I will block them and counter punch. That no hand will ever hit me again. No words will scar my heart again. This isn’t a dream. This just is. Nothing will stop the choice I have made to be the best.

The ex that won’t go away.

It’s been about 4 years since I was with a certain someone and I’m really happy. I was a different person back then and I’m comfortable with who I am. I’m a confident young women that is about to do 2^nd year biology and computer science at University. The person that I’m seeing now really understands me and compliments me. I don’t mean that he always gives me compliments. I’m talking about someone that is my enzyme and I am his substrate. It’s like we have this lock and key fit that no one else would fit. It’s not just about him either. We have taught each other so much and have grown together.

Anyway, back to the reason I wrote this in the first place. My ex has been consistently sending me emails since we broke up. In face he used to ring me on my phone when we first broke up. I had to get a different phone number so that he would leave me alone. I got another one of his emails today and I’m just so sick of it. Why can’t you just get over me? To anyone that is in a similar situation, I really feel for you. Thanks for listening to me rant. It means a lot to me.

Back on Track

It’s been a long holiday, and things haven’t been all rainbows and unicorns. I don’t want to start on a bad note, so I’m going to talk about the present first. Life is going smoothly and I think things are moving in a positive direction. I feel motivated after a long time (after ages) to do the things I really want to do. University will be back soon and I know that I’m ready to face the challenges that will come. Anyway, let’s get back to talking about before (to the darkness that comes before) and how I came to be where I am. I’d love to think that I am the master of my own destiny, but I’m more like a student. Each day and night I learn a little bit more about whom I am and how I fit in this big wide world.

Last semester at University had finally come to a close, and I knew that I had done well. I started to enjoy my free time and spent it relaxing. I also got a chance to finally catch up with people (that I really missed). I felt at ease, or at least I pretended to myself that I did. There was always something nagging the back of my mind but I just couldn’t quiet put together the pieces to figure out what. Maybe I did actually know, but I didn’t want to. I knew that there was one thing that seemed like a small issue but as time went on I realized that it was the core of feeling down. Numerous times people asked me what I was doing for University in 2012 and I had to tell them that I just didn’t know. I told them that I really wanted to figure that out but I had not come to a decision. I either wanted to do MicroBiology and Molecular Biology or Analytical Chemistry and Forensic Science as my extended major (I had decided I wanted to do computer science as a minor). I umed and ured and huffed and puffed. Nothing seemed to help me make my choice.

About a month ago I just decided that I had to make a choice and no matter what I would follow my choice to the end. I went with the MicroBiology and Molecular Biology. As soon as I had made a choice, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. My life stopped feeling like some impending doom and it became something that words can’t explain. The moments in my life began to fit and I had an epiphany. Life can be frightening and it can be so hard to just make a simple choice but if you don’t:

Nothing will make the choice for you.

It might be too late and it’s made for you.

Though, if you take the plunge and pick an option:

You have nothing to lose.

You will finally feel the sweet release from the struggle in your mind.

You will learn acceptance (Accept that you control your own destiny by the choices you make).

You will learn that only you stand in the way of your progress by being a bystander.

That you can’t just watch life unfold because you are afraid to take control of the choices you make.

ADHD

Each day is a new stone in my hand. I throw the stone and the ripples that form are the consequences of my life. What is my life? It is a crazy mess of art and creativity with a splash of perception and all founded on a base of intellect. What does this mean exactly? I couldn’t really tell you if I wanted to. All I know is each day I look through the eyes [squirrel] of the dog from Up. This dear reader is known as A.D.H.D. or Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder. This is not a que to feel disappointment or pity or one to think that I feel sorry for myself. Instead, realize that as the saying goes ‘if life gives you lemons, make lemonade’.

United we stand, devided we fall.

I want to explain to you what depression is like. I used to think that I knew what it was. I thought that being sad, and miserable, and lonely and dark is what depression is. Then I realized that it’s something even scarier than that. You think you’re normal. Go about your normal routine. Life continues on. You don’t have anything on for the holidays, and then it hits you. You kept going, through school or work, just to survive but inside you felt depressed. The problem is that once you feel it for so long, you forget what it even feels like. All that you know is that you want to sleep, and that you just don’t feel like anything matters.

Part of me still loves life. Part of me cares, but the rest of me just can’t handle life. The only thing that I know is consistent is that I hear ‘You’ll never be good enough’. All I really want is a friend. Someone that won’t judge me. Someone that will tell me that they believe in me no matter what, even though I’m going through a hard patch at the moment.

To those of you that have a similar struggle, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Your pain is real and it doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. Just keep going and you’ll get through. Maybe whilst we are both lost on our paths, we will find each other on a new path. No matter how hard the road seems, it’s always better when there’s someone there for the trip.